C'est La Vie

Standing by the shores of the sea, 
under the covers of the night, 
as i watch the dancing waves, a sense of loss takes over. 

Gone are the days when innocence prevailed, when trust on each other bechanced naturally,
when each moment brought with it unexpected joys, when hopes were chanced, wishes came true 
and life adopted such brilliant hues.

Days went by, things changed, little joys, was there any still to be found?
With small things, earlier delightful, now having turned into bitter fights. With expectations increased and hopes gone poof, chances taken are just hopes' torn up pages. 

Where exactly did we go wrong?
I still ask myself. Yes.
I have moved on, back on the saddle holding the reins of my life, teeming with memories that have passed me by. 
Yes, I still reminisce about The days, smile when I think of them.
It was only heart-rending, the attempt at wrenching apart the mementos of "us", out of my life, however futile.

Letting you go was never an option, it wasn't an offer i couldn't refuse, it was just IT, what was meant to be of  YOU and ME!  

If only i knew what marked "our" demise..!!!

...

as Trust departs us..so do we bid each other..our FINAL GOODBYE..

It has come to the extent that I don't hope for love..Let aside hoping,I don't even dream of a cozy affair anymore.. even the dream got lost somewhere..

 all I want is, a bit of respect..respect for what I have for you...respect for the feelings I prize the most in this world...  You do realize, you disgraced my feelings in the worst possible way by thinking I CAN THINK ILL OF YOU, right?!

all I can say right now is-
my feelings...the bare ones THE COLD ONE was ever capable of. ---> the ones I have for you.
I treasure them..more than anything else in this world..

 my love for you, is an entity in itself

it stands tall with his head held high..
with or without you / your trust in them / me / my faith

no one can doubt its vitality..

nor disgrace it by doubting it..

or all the claims people make, (even you did this time),

signifying- it abused/despised itself by killing the very reason why it existed/or that it even existed in the first place!!!

OR
it slayed itself, in your words.

Hell !!! I can't see anything close to undesirable in you, let aside talk about it !!!!!!

SO high on a pedestal I put you up on, don't you know? *sigh*

still tryin to reason- How one can even think such..!!! esp when it comes to you..and me !!!

I always knew for sure..
that

I can't love you any better..it's the best I am capable of.



but what this episode did was.. 
crystallising before me the exact place where I stand..and where things stand for me.

as I face reality..take it all..head on..for the first time perhaps, I am not running away.
the realization..as it dawned on me..
a pun it is or should I say- an oxymoron it ended up being

How
I respect my feelings for you..much more than the much I Feel..!!!
in short- Respect for the cause here is the insurmountable one, not the very cause.

sooo far away from my vital self.. I am rendered numb..
with every emotion having eluded me, finally.. successfully.
I am at peace.. no more scared to cry out - 
SMITE ME OH MIGHTY SMITER (God or whatever they "fondly" call out your name as!!)   anymore..!!!

  I DON'T FEAR YOU..NO MORE

THE day...Nov 20,2010

me (20-11-2010 00:34:32): I love you..

when I finally managed to write to you those words..(I SO wanted to say them to you, verbally..but your cell phone favored the betrayal of the moment..so did my destiny..or was it just another trick my kismet played with me. Someone must be having a feast up there!
Ohhh!!! how much I cursed the time then, called it awful. I didn't realize it was "the" time..the chosen one..apt for the reveal of this match me & my fate have been on (forever ?)
..
..
..
The moment of exhilaration..--->

S**** (20-11-2010 00:40:56): ek min
The 'ek min' that felt like it stretched. for. eternity.

The pinnacle..
S**** (20-11-2010 00:46:30): yeah wat do u want me to say?

me (20-11-2010 00:46:48): say it..

S **** (20-11-2010 00:46:57): no dnt wait for me..

S**** (20-11-2010 00:47:03): u r jus a fren..

S**** (20-11-2010 00:47:13): nothin more..

me (20-11-2010 00:47:42): hmmm..k
me (20-11-2010 00:47:46): I understand
me(20-11-2010 00:49:24): v will always stay friends.. forever..i promise u that..:):):)

This is how the THE day ended it. Or was it just the day when THE inevitable END happened.

Dunno.. how to put down this finish..not an end to OUR chapter in MY life for sure..It is incumbent on me till "I" exist.. an impending end of "me", that I am going to strive at henceforth..
An end of who I am now.."The me" that was bred...with all the love of this world..for You, with You, the angel for company, I had my rearing in Shangri-La..!!! "Me"..That beats for you..breathes inside me..just for you.. that knows no other world but you.. You are the inner soul beating inside my soul..no wonder, I consider it life, only when I am WITH YOU..but as it turned out to be- "a brief Sojourn at Utopia"..
 as I got banished from my Paradise.. I, the blessed one!!! Can't be anywhere but where I belong!!! so all set for the yeild..the final Succumb..

As I, TheIncessantIncinerator get ready for my final battle..the Blood-Feud..
"Me versus My Essential Self".. I sign off for tonight...

...

my doomed romance..

I love you a lot more than you will ever come to know..

my acquisitions..

"Patience"..that was completely wanting in me..is what you taught me..a gift I got bestowed upon, by you...Hoping for a forlorn cause.. when "chances" were completely wanting, is what I learnt by myself.

As reality dawns! Everytime at the worst time possible..*sigh*

Dreams...as it seems... are seen, just to have to see, the absolute reverse befall you.. happening right before your eyes just as you "open" them. In short, Dreams, Oh So Beautiful Dreams manifest, to just be shattered.. which in turns shatters You! And in my case, THE very day... I wonder why I still "dream on", with my eyes open..! I wonder what keeps me going.

As my dreams,the "bubbles" got pricked..
unable to take the flight that my dreams promised to guide me through..
I am lost..



...

The Dream...inexpugnable..impregnable..and as it seems "tenured for a lifetime"

Just the thought of you and me..together...just the thought and I am rendered "immobile".."static".."STUCK" in other words! I cant do a thing but just "ponder" over it..'see'..'us'..cant help but just forget everything...everything around..let the world go by..pass..vanish into nothingness..where I am..where I'm supposed to be right now..or what I was supposed to do at the moment..as inexpugnable as it has grown into..nothing, however important it may seem in any other moment, can keep me from it..and i just retire..into my carapace..and take rescue in "our world"..that "I" have "created"..for me..
MY PARADISE ON EARTH!


...

The aeonian wait... (Wednesday, November 10, 2010, 12:48pm)

Standing at the dead end..cliff top..emptiness ahead, around, all over..


The journey to the top..with you..just you for company..the finest days of my life I ever knew..ones that I spent with you..as it all occurs to me..plays back and forth..


The beautiful enigma named the same as you, walking into my life..the cherub..I was totally enchanted..lost..lost track of every tangible..

intangible.. assets known, call it time or the world around...was dwelling in a tale..you were my fairy..paradise on earth..*sigh*

Have ventured a bit too deep inside..taking the unilateral street..the path left behind, it vanished as I moved forth..with you..you for company. there, but on my mind..alas! Impossible to retrace, when no steps at my disposal.. I am stuck.

The only way out, hence is "forth"..across the dreading depths..as you RAISE me..let me RISE..get me flying without wings..the final thrust up, that only you can provide me with..help me to fly away from the trough..and save me, from

The NADIR of my life at it's ZENITH..

(You know it, life can't get any worse for me than without you..don't you?)




So..now it's time..time..time to wait..the abysmal wait..wait for 'the fall'...Free Fall...The FINAL SUCCUMB...or else You Resurrect Me...

...

The rise of "The Incessant Incinerator".... (Friday, October 8, 2010, 2:26pm)

What seemed like 'The' most sane thing (toughest thing I endeavored) to do till now,turns out to be the sorriest thing I ever attempted!! This effort- trying to fight my feelings/weakness towards you..has pushed me SO far away from me,'my very own soul'..thus every soul around!! Dunno what I should be called-The Incessant Incinerator---aka the ceaseless furnace... or, The Insensate Stone... Frigid/Inhuman/Cold..

The irony- trying to rescue my "beloved heart"  back home (must have been a bit too possessive about it so wasn't ready to share it with you), cost me 'the whole of my heart'! I am rendered heartless!! :(

...

Feelings..the ultimate puzzle.. (July 11, 2010, 8:36pm)

It was one of those moments tonight..  when I could feel a sense of loss, SO strong..
even though I didn't lose anything, in the first place.
Still this feeling..

Something inside me, don't know what, is aching.. hurting sooo bad..

Ya it is physical pain, that I am experiencing right now..
My heart, it feels so heavy, all of a sudden.. weighed down by what, I have absolutely no clue to..

Pain?  Since when did feelings start having a mass of their own!!
Or is it my heart wanting to burst out of my chest, crying out aloud?

If yes, then how come all I can hear is this maddening silence... and where are those tears?

A choking sensation down my throat..as if I am being strangled!!
Feels like... like I am broke.. bankrupt overnight.. or, robbed of my most priced possession.. the only thing I've ever earned, in all these years that I have lived.. But then,


Hey there, it never was mine!! It never belonged with me/to me, let aside 'earning' it!!

Thinking hard... wondering... trying to comprehend, why this feeling of loss, for something she never had.. She knew it like the back of her hand, it NEVER was hers'...from the very start.. Then why does it feel SO much of her own,esp tonight...

...

Trying to bind my heart goin berserk..(Tuesday, September 21, 2010,1:19am)

Situation -   It's like, so much going on in your head.... so many things you're thinking/feeling...  Things you've never felt before.... Things you never thought you could feel... Thoughts you thought never existed for YOU.... But they are the Cosmos. They do exist... & so intense is the force with which they hit you....  impossible to be ignored.... SO  powerful....... Uncontrollable...... Agitating your naive mind...... Effervescing most of the time...... Threatening to burst out any moment & jeopardize - the very reason of its existence, of all the ecstasy it bred & of what is the very reason behind ME BEING ME.
YOU, PURE AND SIMPLE, ARE THE SOLE REASON and PURPOSE OF MY SURVIVAL..
TO ME...

(Unfortunately, I know it  too well that I can't reach your heart)..............

...

The Fool That I am..

In that last dance of chances

I shall partner you no more..

I shall watch another turn you,
As you move across the floor...


In that last dance of chances,
When I bid your life good-bye,

I will hope she treats you kindly..
I will hope you learn to fly...

In that last dance of chances,

When I know you’ll not be mine,

I will let you go with longing..
And the hope that you’ll be fine...


In that last dance of chances,
We shall know each other’s minds..

We shall part with our regrets,

When the tie no longer binds...

*sigh*

Robin Hobb
...

An ode to a beautiful lady..

I don't know what love is..I'm not in and out of love often. Last time, the first time I felt something close, was years back! You revived something, I almost convinced myself to believe it never existed, at least for me.

I don't know exactly what I want of you, or what I expect of this (relationship?). I just know that every morning that I wake up,
the first thing that comes to my mind is YOU.
I want to see your smiling face, hear your sweet voice, your 'hmmmm' once,  my day can not get more perfect.
I wish I could see you smile always.
Take me in as your personal jester? (When I bring a smile or two on your lips, trust me my day is made.)
I pray everyday to be the solution to all your problems, that I can rescue you out of any inconvenient situation you get yourself into (God forbid)
Want to be the one, who you would pour out your heart to when you are low.. yada yada......

You're my Heroin! My thoughts turn to you every other minute and
I just
can't
drive them away!

or
maybe I just love it

thinking of you...

And when night falls, you are the last thought I think of and I want to, so that I can ensure, FOREVER is for what, you are there in my dreams too...

I want you to get all that you deserve.. And you deserve the best. So I am trying here, my best,
to improve my ways & make myself worthy enough for your friendship let aside anything else. And I know, this
try is worth everything to me.

I don't dream of being your lover or your best-est friend. Actually I don't even mind being your page, if that ensures my staying
with you, in your life, FOREVER..

As I, sit here   thinking of you.  As I lay my heart bare before you,   I can't help but indulge in thinking "wishful" again..
My dream of-

being the one who gets to watch every sunrise with you until the sunset of your life..and even when we are apart, you are the thought
I wanna embrace as I wake up in the morning..

I don't know if this is what people call love & if it is love

I AM TOTALLY AND CRAZILY IN LOVE WITH YOU!